What Are You Rehearsing While You Brush Your Teeth?

One of my mentors gave me a rule of thumb years ago that I've never been able to shake. If you're ever brushing your teeth and running through a conversation you think you should have with someone, rehearsing what you'll say and how you'll say it, chances are you have a people issue that should have been addressed a long time ago.

I'll confess, I spent a lot of my twenties and thirties brushing my teeth that way. I had people issues I let sit for weeks and months. One I can remember sat for over two years.

People issues can be some of the most energy-draining, anxiety-driving, culture-killing things in a CEO's life. When you let them sit, they slowly and incrementally wreak havoc on your heart, your sleep, your sense of identity and self-worth, and eventually your culture. Left long enough, they will destroy the health of a company.

If I've learned one thing about people issues in a quarter century of operating businesses, it's that they need to be addressed quickly, clearly, and candidly. The rule of thumb I use for tone is "kind but firm." But there's also a process, and skipping it is where a lot of well-meaning leaders get into trouble.

The other trap

Most of us let people issues sit too long. The few who do address them quickly often fall into a different trap. We've rehearsed what we want to say. We've got it ready to get off our chest, clearly and candidly. Then we walk in and, sorry for the analogy, pee all over the person. We prescribe, prescribe, prescribe.

My best advice is to spend the first 10 or 15 minutes of that conversation asking 20 questions. The posture is: before I say a word, or even try to be understood, I need to genuinely understand their perspective from sitting in their shoes.

It's hard, because it's the last thing we want to do when we're frustrated. But I promise you it pays dividends when you do it consistently.

A text thread and a long day

I talked to a friend recently who leads a team. On the team's group text thread, someone made a comment that led him to believe one or more people on the team didn't trust him. He turned it over in his mind all day, and it drained every bit of mental energy he had. By the time we talked, he'd already prepared what he was going to say.

Instead of going in with that, we talked about him first sitting down with the people on that thread and asking them:

1.) How are you doing in this season, generally?

2.) How's this week going? This month, this quarter, this year?

3.) What's working?

4.) What's not working?

5.) What are you proud of?

6.) What are your challenges right now?

You'd be surprised how much comes out from just that first round. You get a temperature check on what's concerning them, what's going well, and what they're venting about.

From there, you go deeper into the areas they said aren't working, and learn how they're feeling, whether there are trust issues, and what resentment they might be carrying. One of my favorite questions is: "What are you venting to your partner or spouse about? Is there anything I'm doing right now that, if I stopped, would lower your frustration level?"

Stay curious and keep learning. If they never bring up the thing that brought you into the room, now's the time: "Hey, I also noticed that comment in the text thread the other day. Tell me more about that." Then listen, ask follow-up questions, and keep learning.

Getting to the aha

You should eventually get to a moment where you think, "Oh, I get it." And you can say, and mean it, "If I were in your shoes, and this happened, and then that happened, and I perceived it that way, I can totally understand why you'd send that text. I'd feel the same way."

I often say something like this to people: "I'm sure you didn't wake up at 4 in the morning ten years ago and decide you wanted to feel this way and send this text today just to drive Dave crazy. A series of events happened that brought you here, and I want to know how you got there so I can sit in your shoes and understand it."

When someone feels genuinely understood, you're sitting on the same side of the bench. Now you've earned the right to say, kindly but firmly, "Can I have permission to share a little about how I was feeling?" and make yourself heard.

Most of the time, the problem is mostly solved by the listening alone, and they'll often have their own aha moment as well. If there's a training opportunity, a process or reason behind how we do something that they haven't understood, this is the time to explain it. And if you still disagree, this is the time to say candidly, "I know we may see this differently, but I hope you can live with it."

Encourage, challenge, encourage

In every one of these conversations, I try to do three things before we're done:

1.) Point out something specific they're doing well.

2.) Where there's a training opportunity, challenge them directly. That might sound like: "Next time you're thinking about sending a text that might breed mistrust in the group thread, I want to challenge you: just call me first, and let's talk it out before it goes to the group."

3.) End with another specific encouragement, about something they're doing well or something you can see they're going to do well.

The whole process

Put together, it looks like this:

1.) Address people issues quickly.

2.) Seek first to understand, deeply, with 10 or 15 minutes of questions upon questions.

3.) Then seek to be understood, kindly and firmly, clearly and candidly.

4.) Encourage specifically, challenge directly, and encourage specifically again.

People issues will keep coming up. That's part of leading people. But with this process, you can sort them out as quickly as they come, and they won't drive you crazy anymore. You won't find yourself standing at the sink, toothbrush in hand, rehearsing a conversation you should have had months ago.

I'm just challenging you to consider: what conversation are you rehearsing right now, and who could you sit down with this week and start asking questions?

Thank you!

-Dave Hooke.