The Anxious Inspector and the Safe Harbor

Most mornings I spend some quiet time with the Lord, and I've come to look forward to a simple process. First, I share with God what I want Him to know today. Then I ask Him what He wants me to know.

Recently, what I wanted Him to know was that I'd been feeling some conflict with my kids, mostly in the stretch between getting home from work and the kids going to bed.

When I asked what He wanted me to know, something came up in my heart that I didn't love seeing. I tend to carry a vision for my household. When reality doesn't match that vision, there's a gap, and I try to control and perfect things to close the gap as quickly as possible. When it doesn't close fast enough, my voice goes up, my body tenses, and the relationships in the room go a little cold.

A typical evening

Let me give you an example. After a long workday, I might come home with a picture in my head: dinner ready at a certain time, all of us sitting down together, somebody saying grace, cleaning up as a family, the kids doing their homework, and everyone in bed on time.

What often happens is that the kids have had friends over after school, and the house is a bit of a mess, which makes sense, because there's no point cleaning up until everyone leaves. We sit down to dinner and two of the kids don't come at the same time, so we wait while everyone else's food gets cold. Nobody wants to say grace. My youngest doesn't want to eat dinner because it isn't exactly what he wants, so we make him a peanut butter and jelly.

From there, the kids struggle with homework and want to watch a show before bed. We cater to that, and then we're frustrated that they aren't getting to bed on time. Through some coercion and, dare I say, manipulation, we finally get them to bed, kicking and screaming, about 30 minutes late.

The whole way through, I get tenser, more irritable, more impatient, and angrier, because the vision I had isn't being met.

The anxious inspector

In that quiet time, God gave me a picture of myself in those moments, and I've come to call it the anxious inspector. I'm walking around my own house as if I'm carrying a clipboard, making sure everyone is compliant and calling out consequences when they're not.

The safe harbor

Then He gave me a second picture, which I call the safe harbor.

My wife and kids are getting caught up in storms of their own each day: emotions, negative thoughts, temptations, wants and needs. As they get wound up in those storms, I have a choice. I can run into the storm with them and try to fix, perfect, or control it. Or I can stay a safe harbor, a place they can come to and find peace, love, and joy.

The safe harbor behaves very differently from the anxious inspector. He brings peace wherever he goes and warmth to the relationships around him.

After a few days of practicing being a safe harbor, I noticed my home had warmed up considerably. My youngest became more easygoing. The kids didn't feel like they were constantly under the threat of a consequence. And, believe it or not, our evenings started to look a little closer to the vision I had in the first place.

To be clear, it isn't perfect, and it never will be. The storms keep coming and keep disrupting the picture. But God has given me a new vision: a home that's a little chaotic, with some unexpected storms, and me sitting in the middle of it as a safe harbor.

The clipboard at work

It turns out the same thing is true in business. There are seasons when I run around our companies as an anxious inspector with a clipboard, self-promoting, self-protecting, controlling and perfecting, because underneath it I believe there isn't enough time, there isn't enough money, and the vision hasn't been perfected yet.

In life and in business, it matters to be clear and candid, and to be kind and firm. None of that requires an inspector with a clipboard. We can do every one of those things as a safe harbor, bringing peace into the rooms we walk into.

I'm not pushing my faith on you here, I'm just challenging you to consider: in your home or your office this week, are you showing up as the anxious inspector or the safe harbor? And what might change if the people around you had a harbor to come to?

Thank you!

-Dave Hooke.